Accu Jack Hosting Tee & Slick in NYC

With Accu Jack Kelly's death this week and spurred on by Sil's questioning me this morning I reprise the following two posts originally appearing on this blog in February 2008. They feature the late Mr. Kelly at his best showing a couple of rubes The Big Apple.

March 17-19, 1977
Forgive me if I fail to do justice to one of the greatest escapades that I’ve ever been involved in. However, I’m not sure that even Hemmingway could adequately describe what it must have been like to have City L, Accu Jack and myself on the loose at daybreak in Manhattan. As with most stories I will begin at the beginning.

City L aka Tim Getzloff, a 328 Club resident and future 340 Clubber, was in New York City at a college newspaper conference. Since he obviously needed legal representation I had made arrangements to join him in the Big Apple on Friday afternoon, the 18th. Accu Jack Kelly who had accompanied me on my 1975 and ’76 St. Pat’s Pub Crawls had taken employment in New York as a maître’d at a popular French bistro – The Magic Pan. We would be meeting Jack on Saturday.

After arising on the feast day I went in to work at City Hall and gave the taxpayers their moneys worth. I then took a leisurely walk home, beginning at the Swamp Fox, stopping for some green beer at several places (Kramers, Soldners, Johnny's)on my way home. Tim Kelly, Accu Jack’s brother, was having a St Pat’s party and being it was just around the corner from the 340 I was planning on attending. It turned out to be a great party and as the luck of the Irish would have it I awakened on Friday morning in a strange bed in the arms of a lovely damsel (#25). After the obligatory politesse I adjourned to the AMTRAK station to catch the New York train.

Upon arriving in NYC it was off to the journalism convention to meet City L. It is here where for some reason my memory gets a little hazy. I’ll give you my best recollection and seek input/critique from both of the other two witnesses (and who knows maybe a 3rd). I believe Tim was busy at the conference and I likely entertained myself in Fear City that evening. From the looks of the photo the hotel room was quite a party in its own right.

On Saturday, after checking out of the hotel and saying good bye to the conference, City L, myself, and Andi Schreiber – a co-ed member of the Millersville State College 4th estate (you may recall Andi has already appeared in this blog in that crazy ad libbed play which chronologically speaking likely occurred after this trip) – were off to see some sights. Accu Jack joined us and played the role of tour guide. We went up to the top of the World Trade Center. Andi dutifully taking pictures. It is a very recent memory – i.e. Andi even being there – but someone had to take the pictures and since they don’t seem particularly posed (as if we passed a camera to a bystander) that provided reinforcement to my belief that she was present. At some point Jack departed to go to work at The Magic Pan and the three of us were off to paint some of the big city. We visited a few watering holes in Gotham, Toots Shors, dinner at The Magic Pan, the Monkey Bar at the Elysees, and finally we took in some comedy at Catch a Rising Star where if I’m not mistaken – something I ate must have disagreed with me – I took sick in the women’s room. Needless to say we were asked to leave. Now it was onto a subway and out of Manhattan. We got to Jack’s a bit before he did and his sister was a great host. Making sure that we were able to replenish our liquids after a tough night on the town. Tim, Andi & I were likely eyeing up sleeping spaces with tired eyes and may have actually slipped off to sleep when … the door opened and a madman leaped in … it was Accu … now off work and full of fire. Get up! Let’s go! Unlike Tim & I Jack had spent the night working and now he wanted to unwind and he had two visitors from Lancaster to do it with. It didn’t take us long to throw some water on our face and get ready to hit the streets again. First we needed to deter – successfully – Andi from thinking she was coming with. This was a men only trip. It was still dark but the Fat Female Rooster was warming up.

March 20, 1977 [4:00am-9:00am]

It had been a whirlwind weekend so far … St. Pat’s crawling, Tim Kelly’ party, getting laid for my birthday, Friday night madness, sightseeing in Manhattan, Saturday night making Friday night appear tame and now – a stone sober Jack Kelly wanting to show City L and me another part of New York.

Off we went descending into the subway station at a ferocious pace making sure Andi wasn’t going to catch us. Back to Manhattan. Upon getting off the train Jack took us across the way and unto another subway. It was late/early and there were few people on the train. Soon, near Columbus Circle, all the white people got off. Next thing we know – we were in Harlem. Now, years later I visited the historic African-American neighborhood but even to this day I have yet to do it justice. However, on that night/morning, at that time, drunk/weary; it was not where we wanted to be. City L and I finally convince Accu Jack of that although he kept insisting he could get us laid. Across the station and back on the next subway south, City L drifted to sleep as the train sped back downtown. The brief respite was broken by the screeching of the airbrakes and in City L’s case by my listless body slamming against his as the train came to a stop. We were reinvigorated and bounced up the steps into daylight in Manhattan. Breakfast woulda been a good idea but the madman – Accu Jack – had alternative ideas. Soon he was hailing a cab; engaging in conversation with the driver and hailing another cab. My memory is Jack had three or four of the liveries lined up none of which were going to gain our fare. He was merely inquiring of the drivers where three gentlemen could find some professional women at this time of night/morning. One of cabbies must have told him what he wanted to hear because he was excitedly off in another direction with City L and me trailing. I wish I could tell you where we were – my best guess would be around 59th Street on the West side – but I have no clue. Soon an attractive Black female was in conversation with Jack and the four of us – with a new tour guide – were off to a seedy shack of a structure. Once inside it didn’t get any more inviting. Believe me, seedy is a complement. There were two, rather large, gentlemen in the place who looked like they were rejected for the Otis Day scene (“May we dance with your dates?”) in Animal House. There was one other female. Jack expressed disinterest in the wares; after all he was showing us a good time. City L and I went off to a couple of spartan rooms with our dates.

My new lady friend and I negotiated, I truly think it was $20 or less, and soon I was enjoying her prowess in oral stimulation over a rubber. There was no bed or couch but rather this act of love took place on a hard wood bench with a nice clean sheet over top. First time for everything. In the next room, City L’s negotiations were seemingly a little trickier and his Madame, apparently unwilling to wait for City L’s best offer, grabbed a $10 and left the room. Next thing you know there was a commotion in the vestibule and Accu, City L and the professional woman were no longer negotiating. Apparently, at no time did we pose a threat to the women because the two large men sat like Buddha’s while the spat went on. Back out into the street we went and off to breakfast it was. We had gone a couple of blocks when City L noticed that his wallet was lighter than it had been. Lesson learned.

We went back to Jack’s in Queens gathered our belongings & Andi and headed back to Penn Station and to quiet old Lancaster town. It certainly was one of my more memorable birthdays.
When originally posted the following comment was anonymously posted on the blog. I suspected then and am quite certain now that it was old Accu Jack himself verifying the bonafides of the story as recounted three decades later. It is fitting to be heard again today as Jack is laid to rest in Lancaster.

COMMENT: Anonymous said ... Is your dick as big as an elephant's, because your memory is certainly as good.

Tee responded to Anonymous ... I assume that is you Accu? Please sign your posts. Did I get it right? I want Slick's input. I have pictures but couldn't get my scanner working yesterday. Will try again. I also tried contacting Andi; I am correct in that she came with Tim & I to you and your sister's place? Izzat right? God bless you Accu Jack Kelly. I hope to see you next month on the feast day.

Accu Jack

John J. "Jack" Kelly

John J. "Jack" Kelly, 62, of Lancaster, died on November 24, 2010 at Hospice of Lancaster County, surrounded by his beloved family after fighting a courageous 19 month battle with cancer. Jack was born in Lancaster to Marilyn R. Kelly of Lancaster and the late Leo F. Kelly. He was a 1966 graduate of Lancaster Catholic High School where he was an outstanding musician. An award in his honor is still visible in the High School trophy case.

A young patriot, he enlisted in the U.S. Air Force while still in high school. A Vietnam-era veteran, he earned numerous citations for his distinctive service including: the Vietnam Service Medal and the Air Force Commendation Medal. After his discharge, Jack enrolled at the Penn State University campus in Wilkes-Barre, PA. While there, he served as the General Manager of the campus radio station, President of the campus Broadcasting Club, contributing-editor of the campus newspaper, a member of the student council, and President/Director of the campus Drama Club. While still a student, he was recruited to join a local radio station and began a career in Broadcasting. In 1972, during Hurricane Agnes, Jack and a small team of reporters earned national recognition reporting around the clock while stranded in their third floor office building. They were the only source of information on the radio bandwidth reporting on the devastation to the outside world. Soon afterward, Jack became a local broadcaster when he was hired as News Director at WNOW/Q-106 in York. He also worked at WSBA in York and WLPA in Lancaster.

After moving to New York in 1976, he discovered his true passion, flying. Jack obtained his private and commercial license, plus instrument and multi-engine ratings. He was employed at Teterboro, NJ as a charter pilot and in night-time aerial advertising over New York City. He moved back to Lancaster in 1983. Here, he was a civic-minded community member who was a volunteer with the American Heart Association and the Lancaster United Way campaign. He also held past memberships with the Knights of Columbus, American Legion, VFW, the Lancaster Traffic Club, the Sales & Marketing Club of Lancaster and the Riverside Club. In 1986, he married his beloved Lisa and raised three beautiful children: Genevieve Susan Zercher wife of Richard Zercher, Jr. of Lititz, Matthew John Kelly of Lancaster and Jillian Marie Kelly fiancée of Steven Hammerstone of Lancaster. He is also survived by his granddaughter Olivia and Genevieve's expected daughter Erin, plus 7 brothers and sisters: Warren Stephen of Turin, Italy, Timothy James of Lincoln, NE, Anthony Paul of Lancaster, Theresa Marie of NYC, Leo Francis of Glendale, CA, Dr. Eleanor Marie of San Diego, CA, and Eileen Patrice of Norwalk, CT.

Friends will be received on Saturday, November 27, 2010 from 10-11AM at the Charles F. Snyder Jr. Funeral Home & Crematory, 3110 Lititz Pike, Lititz, PA with the Funeral Service to follow at 11AM, the Rev. Joseph Hilbert officiating. Interment in Conestoga Memorial Park. Donations, in lieu of flowers, can be made to Hospice of Lancaster County, 685 Good Drive, Box 4125, Lancaster, PA 17604-4125. To send an online condolence, please visit:

SnyderFuneralHome.com

Charles F. Snyder Jr.

Funeral Home & Crematory

717-560-5100